Contents

  1. Bjorn, the Beorning Warper, part 2
    1. CHAPTER 4: Lions and Tigers and Bears, Like, Oh My!
      1. Part 1 of 4
      2. Part 2 of 4
      3. Part 3 of 4
      4. Part 4 of 4
    2. INTERMISSION: Only You Can Prevent... Oh, Never Mind...
    3. CHAPTER 5: Indiana Bjorn and the Temple of Dude

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
Character sheet

Bjorn, the Beorning Warper, part 2

CHAPTER 4: Lions and Tigers and Bears, Like, Oh My!

Part 1 of 4

As promised, this chapter we'll be relocating to Lothlorien and taking on Mirkwood.

"Man, moving's always a pain. You, like, rented a van or something, right, dude?"

We won't need one; we'll be leaving most of our stuff here.

"Huh? I thought we were, like, moving out of here."

We are, but we're keeping this house. Think of it as a summer cottage, except we'll mainly be using it for storage.

(scratches head) "‘Kay. How're we gonna afford the new house, then?"

The same way we afforded this one.

"Oh, we're gonna, like, kill more thieves and get the house as a reward?"

Not quite, but close. You'll see when we get there. Okay, we want to travel light for this first pass; I take the Rings of Accuracy and Free Action and my stash of !oCLIns (now up to 8). We can come back for the spellbooks later.

On a hunch, I decide to look around for the quest temple on the way to Lothlorien, for future reference. It turns out not to be far off my path, up near the north end of the mountain chain containing Mordor and Cirith Ungol. Proceeding on to:

Lothlorien

I do a quick tour of the shops looking for anything interesting; the magic shop has a Spellbook of Vision that I might pick up after I complete the:

Wolves Quest

This quest is a lot easier when you're fast enough to actually outrun the wolves.

(scratches) "Mangy mutts. I'm gonna have to, like, take a flea bath after that. Totally heinous."

Remind me to have the place powdered. Back in:

Lothlorien

I go ahead and buy the Spellbook of Vision for possible future use. After stowing a few things, I head out to:

Mkw 11

"What a boring place…" And a small one, too: specifically, a 1x5 small level. Hmm, next time we're topside, Bjorn, remind me to buy a shovel.

"Uh, dude, I can't use a shovel while I'm a bear. That's, like, what the wall-blaster thing is for, ‘member?"

Oh, right. :o Sorry, too long between playing sessions… Any-way, let's move on to:

Mkw 12: Princess quest for 5 Air hounds

"You have a good feeling…" That's debatable. Five means the open version of the quest room, and Air hounds are pretty lively, so they'll probably meet me first. I enter from the middle of the south edge.

One of the annoying things about not being able to wield a shovel is that Wands of Dig don't cut through trees, as I'm reminded when I run into one of those mini-vaultish rooms that you have to tunnel to get into—or in my case, Phase Door into and out of. Nothing interesting in it.

Ah, there's the quest room, near the middle of the level. As predicted, they come out to meet me, fortunately one at a time. Well, fortunately for me, not for them. >:> The quest reward choices are an Awl-Pike, Ring Mail or a Mouse Fur. Hmm, the Awl-Pike would probably sell for more, but I don't have a decent cloak yet…

"I dunno, dude. Remember what the short little buzzy guy said."

Oh, that's it, I'm definitely taking the cloak now. It turns out to be a Mouse Fur of Protection [+7]. :o :\ Hey, it's better than what I'm wearing now… And on that note, we proceed to:

Mkw 13

"What a boring place…" This one's even smaller than the last boring level, merely 1x3. Bleh. Moving right along…

Mkw 14: Princess quest for 14 2-headed hydras

"You have a good feeling…" Hmm, not bad; 2-headed hydras are normal speed and average 200hp, and fourteen of them means the full-'X' quest room so I can take them on a few at a time. Yes, I do have a good feeling. ;)

I enter near the southeast corner. A few steps in, Essence of Speed wears off, and I eat two Noxious Clouds in a row from a Dark elven mage.

"Uh, do you mind?" *ZOT* "Dude, talk about rude."

I agree completely. The level progresses uneventfully for a while, until I find the quest room in the northwestern area of the level.

"Dude, she's wearing a wig this time. I think she's on to us."

Right, whatever. Some of the hydras have broken out of the quest room, but they're neatly lined up in the corridor leaving the room, so I can still take them on one at a time. They're a little tougher than I expected, taking two turns each to kill—which still isn't too bad, especially at my speed. The quest reward choices are a Dagger, a Large Leather Shield, and a Mouse Fur.

"Yeah, look, dude, I know you've got your heart, like, set on a cloak and all, but this time, could we maybe–"

Take the Dagger, yeah, yeah. It turns out to be… The Dagger of Uthrin (+1,+1). /!\ I think we'd have been better off with the cloak, frankly… No matter. Onward to:

Mkw 15

"What a boring place…" And again it's a small level, a 1x5.

"Dude, this is getting spooky…"

Tell me about it. A quick once-over, and on to:

Mkw 16: Fumblefingers quest for 16 Air hounds

"What a boring place…"

"Uh, dude, this is, like, the third time I've had to get your sword back for you. Have you considered, like, strapping it to your arm or something?"

"Huh? Oh, you must be that guy that helped Joe-5 and Joe-19 get their swords back, the one that can turn into a bear. Nice to meet you, I've heard good things about you."

:\ "Riiiight… This isn't, like, one of those 'Officer Jenny' things, is it?"

"What, you mean that Princess tale? Heh, yeah, I never believed that one, either. Oh, don't give me that skeptical look; I've rescued a Princess or two myself, you know, and they all gave the same story—'Oh, it's this ancient mystery why we all look alike.' Pfft. You've heard the rumors about that, haven't you?"

"Uh… no…"

"Well, the story is that these 'princess rescues' are staged by the Adventurers' Guild as a sort of covert adventurer-training program. What they do is, they send in a fake 'princess' to be rescued, and a bunch of fake 'captors' that the would-be rescuer has to defeat to save the princess and get the prize. Supposed to weed out the wanna-bes and strengthen the real adventurers, the ones with potential. Problem is, they could only find one actress willing to play the part of the princess, so they have to keep re-using her in all the 'prisons'. At least, that's the story."

"Uh-huh… and you?"

"Oh, we're genuine. There are actually twenty-five of us, you see."

"Whoa. That must've been, like, one painful childbirth."

"Ah, no, it wasn't like that. You see, there was… well, there was an accident with a Time hound and the Long Sword of the Dawn. Not worth going into the details, really, it's extremely convoluted. We've all sworn revenge against the hound that caused this, and we hope that by slaying it, we can revert to a single person. Unfortunately, as a result of the accident, we've been imprinted in the racial memories of several species of monsters, who now believe that our sword is the Long Sword of the Dawn, and that they need to take it from us. Which can be really annoying, as you've doubtless already heard from Joe-5 and Joe-19."

"Yyyyeah. Look, I'm gonna go, like, get your sword back now, ‘kay?"

"Oh, sure. And thanks again for your help."

"Uh-huh." [rounds corner] "Okay, check me on this, dude, but I'm thinking, like, total space cadet here."

(shrug) Could be; I try not to judge. Individually, the Air hounds were little challenge; only one of them even managed to get a breath in on me. And since they can fly, they were easy to track down, as most of them just came to me. The only other interesting event of note was losing a point of CON to (and gaining some piety from) an Undead mass infestation.

The reward choices were Weapomnastery, Conveyance, Magic and Disarming. Hmm, Magic would boost my mana, but Conveyance would let me allocate three of my planned points somewhere else—but I wouldn't get the ripple-effect boost to Magic from those three points in Conveyance, either. I think I'll go with Magic.

A quick pass over the last few bits of the level I hadn't yet covered, and then onward to:

Mkw 17

"This level can't be all bad…" There's a pack of Lizard men practically on top of me as I enter the level. And that was, alas, pretty much the high point of the level; the only other point of interest was another of those ad hoc monster packs, this time of '*'s—Ball lightnings, Freezing spheres, that sort of thing. Fast-forward, then, to:

Mkw 18: Princess quest for 14 Sasquatch (Sasquatches?)

"You feel strangely lucky…" Hmm, Sasquatch are fast, but not quite as fast as I am, ;) and not as tough hit-point wise as the 2-headed hydras. And fourteen means they'll again be in the full-'X' quest room. I enter near the northwest corner of the dungeon; there are Snagas in view to my south.

I find my first Potion of Healing further in, and an Indestructable Ring of Spell. The quest room is not much further in, near the northeast corner. The Sasquatch on the west side have already broken out to chase me, but they fall fairly quickly. Oh, and look, there's another Green glutton gho–

The Spectral Forest troll hits you. You feel your life draining away!

<!> X-( And just when I was getting close to the next level, too. By the time I get around to the east side of the room, the Sasquatch there have broken out, too. Stupidly, I let two of them get next to me and pummel me down to 90/178hp. Backing off around the south edge to rest, I encounter another onslaught coming up from an adjacent room to the south: Ogrillons, Black orcs, Half-orcs and Forest trolls (presumably the Spectral one was from this group). Hmm, the last few Sasquatch seem to be stuck back in the quest room; let's take ‘em on. >:>

By the time the hordes have fallen, I'm up to 3164 piety. That done, I return to finish off the last two Sasquatch. The quest reward choices are a Dark Sword, a Fur Cloak, and Chain Mail. Hmm, can we try the cloak again this time?

"Knock yourself out, dude."

And this time we end up with… a Fur Cloak of Protection [+16]. [slaps forehead Hey, it's still an improvement over the last one. Anyway, I need to go fix this exp drain; back up, then, to:

Loth^H^H^H^HWilderness

Oh, right, I keep forgetting that little detail. Onward, then, to:

Lothlorien

I get my exp and CON fixed, and sell off the old Mouse Fur of Protection for 2020gp. :\ Now off to *ID* the randart dagger… wait, where is it? Oh, @#$%, I must have dropped it on that last level when I was going through the loot from those orcs and trolls. [slaps forehead]

Hmm, now that we've got some actual piety to use, I'm gonna head back to:

Bree

and pick up that Spellbook of Manwe's Blessing I left stowed there.

"Why?"

It'll let met swap out the Ring of Fear Resistance for the Ring of Free Action. I've been getting kind of worried about that recently. Back in:

Lothlorien

I do the ring swap, restock, and return to:

Part 2 of 4

Mkw 18, take 2

"You feel your luck is turning…" I'm learning to dislike Mongbats. I mean, when I can actually hit them, they go down fairly quickly; it's just the hitting-them part that's tricky sometimes…

Further in, I find a Potion of Intelligence, which takes me from 18/70 INT to 18/106. :D Failure on Essence of Speed is down to 3%, and my max mana jumps to 198.

"Righteous, dude! Is this, like, the bottom of Mirkwood already, then?"

No, just another lucky find. A bit more exploring, and pack of Lemures takes me over the top to clvl 28; I allocate skill points 1 to Bearform-combat, 1 to Temporal, 1 to Spell-power, 1 to Conveyance and 1 to Divination. Essence of Speed is up to spell effect level 31, which pushes my top speed in bear form up to +11 (+14, counting Thalkettoth). :D

Not much else of interest; onward, then, to:

Mkw 19

"This level can't be all bad…" It can be all boring, though. Moving right along to:

Mkw 20: Princess quest for 11 Ghouls

"You have an excellent feeling…" Hmm, ghouls aren't so bad, but they can bite to paralyze and have fear and paralyze spells—which neatly validates my decision to swap in the Ring of Free Action. ;) Eleven of them, though, means they'll be in the lava-lake quest room, and they can't fly, so I'll almost certainly have to cross the lava to get some of them. X-( I enter on the southwest corner, and after a bit of searching, find the quest room near the east edge of the dungeon.

It casts a fearful illusion. You are terrified!

Ah, time to try out Manwe's Blessing. As advertised, it takes care of my fear problems nicely. As I enter the quest room proper, I see to my surprise that no Ghouls are pinned in the corners by the lava. Oh, of course, they could get out by way of the small trees that form the edges of all rooms in Mirkwood. That makes my life a bit easier.

"Indeed, brave warrior, I too have heard tales of this hapless swordsman— if he is in fact the same poor soul that you speak of."

"Yeah? Heard from who?"

"Well, as you may know, many other princesses have been rescued from captivity similar to mine, and they have heard tales from their rescuers of a strange adventurer who seems to be forever losing his sword to various groups of monsters."

"Actually, he said there was, like, two dozen of him or something."

"The tale of the Time hound? Yes, it is said that he has told that tale to many an adventurer, but few believe him. Most claim that he harbors some obsessive grudge against the poor creature, which causes him to behave irrationally and thus repeatedly lose his sword. Indeed, some have christened him with the rather sophomoric nickname, 'Fumblefingers'."

"Heh, I believe it, Madam Princess Lady. ‘Kay, that's the last of the Ghouls. (Gosh, I wonder, like, what'll happen next…)"

Now, be nice, Bjorn… The reward choices are Hard Studded Leather, Soft Leather Boots and a Large Leather Shield. Darn, none of these are likely to sell for much, and I can't use any of them but the armor, which will probably sell for the least and is unlikely to be better than Thalkettoth anyway… For lack of a better choice, I pick the boots.

After clearing out a pack of Uruk-hai in a room to the west (they dropped a Katana of Slay Animal (+6,+8) for my troubles), I return to the quest room to try to negotiate the lava. This is trickier than it seems with seven books and two stacks of scrolls in your inventory. Indeed, with the quest reward already in place, I don't have room to toss everything onto the safe island in the center, and I have to carry my Scrolls of Satisfy Hunger across the lava; luckily, I don't lose any. My speed probably helped there, now that I think of it. The boots turn out to be Soft Leather Boots of Free Action [+5]. Would be handy, if I could wear them… :\ We proceed to:

Mkw 21

"What a boring place…" Oh, that doesn't bode well. As another bad sign, not far in, a pack of Acid hounds breathes on me and destroys the Boots of Free Action from the previous princess quest. X-( :\ And just to drive the point home, Essence of Speed wears off in the middle of a fight with a pack of Elite uruks, and they knock me down to 84/201hp before I manage to Phase Door out and get back up to speed. Fortunately, that finishes the level, and I can move on to:

Mkw 22: Princess quest for 15 Young green dragons

"You have a superb feeling about this level." Urk. Maybe if I had resist poison, I would. Maybe they'll stay stuck in the full-'X' quest room… nah, who am I kidding? I enter near the center of the north edge of the level; Sense Monsters picks up a pack of Cold hounds nearby, who fall quickly.

Off near the northeast corner, I find and kill The Rat King in another of those vaultish rooms that you have to tunnel into (or Phase Door into, in my case).

Ah, there's the quest room, just south of the level's center. And here come some of the dragons. I think I'll wait in the corridor and let them come to me over the trees. Five of them fall that way; guess I'll have to move in for the rest. Among their loot, I find a Dagger of Slay Dragon (+6,+9).

"Uh, why would a dragon be carrying a weapon that was, like, really painful to him?"

Presumably so that some other adventurer wouldn't find it and use it against them.

"Oh, yeah, that makes sense, I guess."

The reward choices are Leather Gloves, a Long Bow, and Ring Mail. Bleh. I choose the bow, which turns out to be a Long Bow of Accuracy (+12,+11). :\ On the flip side, though, I just found something else in the dragons' loot: Thranduil. /!\ :D Swapping it in for Thengel reduces my minimum spell fail rate to 2%, which for now is worth the loss of resist confusion, I think. I do a quick sweep over the rest of the level in case there's anything else superb on it (there isn't, but I do lose 2 CON to an Undead mass infestation), and then proceed to:

Mkw 23

"This level can't be all bad…" Indeed it can't; not far in, I find a Mushroom of Restore Constitution with which to clean up after those Undead masses. Up near the north edge, I encounter The Icky Queen and company. Hmm, she has a confusion spell; better swap Thengel back in for now.

"Eww, totally grody. Well, like, here goes…" [holds nose] "Halt, you slimy evildoer!"

Since the Icky Queen is the only icky thing present that can cast confusion, my plan is to get rid of her first. I edge in just close enough to bring her into targeting range and start Manathrusting to punch through her escort and take her down. On reflection, this might not have been the optimum strategy, as it gives her time to cast summon kin two or three times, forcing me to fight through them to get a clean shot at her (always taking the Blue icky things out first as a precaution). By the time she falls, I'm down to 90/183 mana—and the Bloodshot icky things at the back of the group all have drain-mana spells. The last thing I want is to have Essence of Speed run out and not have enough mana to restart it.

I take out the rest of the nearby summons and back out of the room to the south, where I find a small alcove I can rest in. Some of the rest of the escort have woken up and are chasing me down, but as long as they're approaching one at a time, I'm okay. Hmm, I just noticed my exp has dropped, and as far as I can tell, there is no icky thing that has a drain-exp attack. [scans message log] Oh yeah, it was the Spectral White icky thing in the first batch of summons that did it.

Once the last of the awake escorts are taken care of and my mana's topped off again, I swap Thranduil back in and resume my approach to the rest of her escort—which is interrupted by Uruks coming in from the south. The assault, luckily, is sufficiently non-harrowing that I can manage both at once, with no serious problems beyond the usual expiring-speed woes. The Icky Queen's drop turns out to be 29 Bolts (+3,+5). Enh.

Some uneventful wandering later:

It points at you, incanting terribly!

Gah. Down to 123/201hp in a single stroke. A quick screen readjustment reveals a Black knight at the other end of the corridor I just entered. Fine, I step back around the corner and smack him down hard when he follows me. >:>

The rest of the level proceeds without incident, and we continue to:

Mkw 24: Princess quest for 14 Spectators

"You have a very good feeling…" No, I don't really; these things have paralyze and confusion attacks and paralze, slow and amnesia spells, not to mention an 8d8 cause-wounds spell. They're in the full-'X' quest room, though, and these buggers can't open doors, so they should stay put until I can deal with them.

I enter at the southeast corner; Sense monsters detects nothing dangerous nearby. I have to search almost the entire level before finding the quest room on the southern edge of the level. I swap in Thengel and approach with caution…

…and the assault is entirely anticlimactic. One of them managed to get in a gaze attack, a few others bit me; no cause-wounds spells that I noticed. The reward choices are a Dark Sword, a Bolt Trap Set, :\ and Paper Armor; I go with the sword, which turns out to be a Venomous Dark Sword (+8,+10). Hmm, my pack is getting kinda full here; I'd better return to:

Lothlorien

After selling everything off, I'm up to 134500gp. I *ID* the following:

Hmm, I notice I've been letting Thrain's wand slip; it's down to 26 charges. The alchemy shop, annoyingly, doesn't have any Scrolls of Recharging in stock, so I take a shopping trip to:

Bree

where 4 Scrolls of Recharging push the wand back up to 38 charges. Mm, I had something bigger in mind. As long as I'm in the neighborhood, I make a stop at:

Gondolin

2 more scrolls take the wand up to 50 charges. The Black Market has an interesting trinket:

Mmmm… nah. If it had free action or was based on a Ring of Accuracy, I might have considered it. Back home to:

Lothlorien

and the alchemy shop finally has 8 more Scrolls of Recharging, bringing Thrain's wand up to 81 charges. [sound F/X: source diving] Hmm, resist chaos confers resist confusion, so I should be okay stowing Thengel and wearing Thranduil. A bit of restocking, and back to:

Part 3 of 4

Mkw 24, take 2

"You feel your luck is turning…" That's debatable; Lugdush's gang and a pack of Dark elven warlocks are nearby as I enter the level. On approach, one of the warlocks casts a mana bolt at me, taking me down to 62/201hp in a stroke.

"Uh… dude?"

Yeah, we're out of here. One Teleportation spell later, we're nicely distanced from them. We're not out of the proverbial woods yet, though, as a pack of nearby Energy hounds starts advancing. Fortunately they only approach one at a time, so I can pick them off while resting. The rest of them are in a pit-type room to the north with some Cold hounds; they fall quickly.

Now I need to go back and smack those warlocks around some… X-( Unfortunately, there's no straight route back; I have to wander around a bit, punching through some Uruks and Vampiric mists that push me up to clvl 29, with skill points going 1 to Bearform-combat, 1 to Temporal, and 3 to Conveyance (I've decided to push Conveyance up enough that I can cast Recall). Essence of Speed is up to spell level 32, pushing my top speed up to +15. :D The Uruks drop a Spectral Broad Sword (+2,+7) and a Morning Star of Slay Evil (+7,+4).

A little further east, and I can see the Dark elven warlocks headed for me. I hunker down into what I hope is a decent corner condition and wait. And sure enough, they all dutifully march into my claws like lambs to the proverbial slaughter. >:> Well, most of them; one of them is still hanging back in the room with Lugdush's crew. Back we go, then…

Lugdush takes an annoying long time to fall, because I keep missing him. I've got to do something about that… Anyway the rest of his escort and the last Dark elven warlock are an easy take-down, and Lugdush's drop is Gauntlets [+7]. Enh.

After all that excitement, the rest of the level goes rather boringly, until:

It casts a fire bolt. Your Book of Beginner Cantrips (a) was destroyed!

"Hey! That's, like, my spellbook you just burnt, you… you…"

Well, we can't find out what it is, because our Sense Monsters spell just went up in smoke. Fortunately we still have Phase Door in the Book of Teleportation, which takes me to another room to the north of my anonymous attacker. It's a dark room, unfortunately, and my Globe of Light spell is also gone. Whatever it is, it can summon and cast fire bolts. Ah, there it is; an Imp gets up next to the Mimic and lights it up.

"Oh, that's it, you evildoing copycat, you're totally goin' down!"

With the Mimic's location determined, he falls quickly. I'm still down a spellbook, though; I guess I should really return to:

Lothlorien

Hmm, the book store has plenty of Beginner Cantrips books, but after that little incident, I'd rather have a fireproof one. Time to go shopping… Well, the Gondolin Black Market does have a Feanorian Lamp of Infravision (+3), but no luck with the fireproof Cantrips book, though I do find a Fireproof Spellbook of Manwe's Blessing back in Lothlorien. Oh well, restock and let's try this yet again… :\

Mkw 24, take 3

"What a boring place…" I tend to disagree; I'm seeing a pack of Dark elven warlocks off the west. Hmm, I can't approach straight; they're lined up on me behind some rubble—two mana bolts and I'm dead. I need a side approach…

Hmm, there doesn't seem to be a side approach; they're in a straight-line corridor along the south edge of the level, the sort that usually goes all the way to the edge of the level and ends in stairs, and there aren't any apparent intersections by which I could get in. Enh, never mind them, then. Further in, a pack of Half-orcs finally takes me over the crucial 5000 piety marker.

"Dude! I think I just got faster!"

Yep, that's Manwe.

"Whoa, you mean Manwe god dude gives you speed?"

As long as you're praying and your piety's above 5000. And you'll get even faster as your piety gets higher.

"Righteous! This Manwe god dude totally rocks!"

Ah, bears are so easy to please. ;) Well, that's the level, except for the Dark elven warlocks, which I think I'll pass; onward to:

Mkw 25

"What a boring place…" Initial scans via Sense Monsters tend to confirm that. Hmm, there's a staircase to the Heart of the World; oh yeah, that does branch off from this level, doesn't it? I think I'll pass. Otherwise, a boring level, as promised; fast-forward to:

Mkw 26: Princess quest for 5 Vibration hounds

"You like the look of this place…" Hmm, this could be bad. Five means the open form of the quest room, which means I might be able to make this work. I enter at the northeast corner and proceed east. No, there's nothing interesting down here; back west, then.

Uh-oh, there's the quest room, and the Vibration hounds have gotten out. Okay, I'll wait them out here. [waits; hounds do not come] Oh, that's right, they won't come out of a room to get you in a corridor. Okay, then, we'll hang near the door to the room they're in and pelt with Manathrusts as they come into line of sight. Four of them go down this way with minimal damage. The last one doesn't wake up until I'm in the quest room; a fatal mistake on his part… >:>

The reward choices are Hard Leather Armor, a Ball-and-Chain, and an Iron Helm. Hmm, the helm might be Holhenneth, I suppose… nah, go for the weapon, which turns out to be a Ball-and-Chain of *Slay Evil* (+4,+5) (+2). Onward to:

Mkw 27

"You have a superb feeling about this level." /!\ Okay, now I'm worried.

"Dude, what are you worried about? They said it's, like, superb."

A level usually gets a 'superb' feeling by having lots of out-of-depth monsters on it.

"Ooh, heinous. Now I'm worried."

Hmm, Sense Monsters isn't picking anything bad up nearby; I proceed with caution.

[some time later] Ah, there's a small vault on the west edge of the level; that's probably the source of the superb feeling.

"Intense. We gonna do it?"

Let's do the rest of the level first. That proceeds without incident, beyond the discovery of a Dagger of Slay Orc (+5,+8), so we return to the vault. Sense Monsters detects a Grave wight, a White dragon fly, a Giant white mouse, a Hippogryph, and a Wild cat inside. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be impressed. Ready, Bjorn?

"Ready, dude. Here goes: ACCELERATE! Oh, mighty god dude Manwe, lend me your speed! And now, by the power of the sons of Beorn, I TOTALLY HAVE THE POWER! [flashy transformation F/X] *ROOOAAAR!*

[sound F/X: forehead striking desk] Man, and I thought Zizzo was a scenery chewer…

"Hmph. Still no sense of drama, I see."

You call that drama? I call it slapstick.

"Mm, you have a point, I suppose… (zizz)"

Durn right I do. Now shoo, I've got a vault to do. The vault turns out to be a lesser vault (Miniature Cell), and nets a Golden Crown of Seeing [+9], an Acidic Two-Handed Sword (+12,+8), a Shocking Guisarme of *Slay Giant* (+4,+3) (+2), a Club of Extra Attacks (+11,+8) (+3), and a Ball-and-Chain of Slay Demon (+6,+13). Well. I guess that's reasonably superb. ;) My inventory's getting kinda full, though; time to head back to:

Lothlorien

Hmm, the Crown of Seeing has resist blindness, see invisible and telepathy; I'd lose resist confusion and resist chaos from Thranduil, though… I'll stow it for possible future use. After selling off the rest of my loot, I'm up to 192482gp. Five Scrolls of Recharging for Thrain's wand, bringing it back up to 75 charges. A bit of restocking and back to:

Mkw 27, take 2

"You feel your luck is turning…" Nothing much of note on this level, beyond a Giant firefly infestation getting away from me. :\ Oh, and note to self: Angels are good monsters. Don't kill them or it'll wreck your piety. :o :\ Fast-forward, then, to:

Mkw 28: Princess quest for 11 Mature bronze dragons

"You have an excellent feeling…" Um, yeah, can I get a second opinion on that? Eleven means the lava-lake quest room, but dragons can fly, so I shouldn't have to cross lava to get any of them. On the other hand, the level is a 1x5 small level, so the quest room might not have been placed anyway. I enter at the north end, in a checkerboard pit—containing a Young bronze dragon and a Bronze dragon worm, just to complete the theme… ;)

A little further south, and here come the dragons; the quest room must be down at the south end. As before, I let them come to me—one of the advantages of Mirkwood (the corresponding disadvantage being that breeder infestation on the previous level). On a hunch, I also cast Manwe's Blessing, noting that at its current spell effect level (15), it confers blessing and heroism, which adds up to a +22 bonus to-hit, which I can really use…

After the first five come to me, I have to advance further south to draw out the rest, which fall reasonably quickly. The reward choices are a Mage Staff, a Sabre, or a Small Wooden Boomerang. Hmm, the boomerang could be Defender, which would be amazingly useful, plus it should sell for about as much as the Sabre anyway, making it the obvious choice. After cleaning up some Rotting corpses and Ice trolls south of the quest room, I negotiate the lava and pick up the quest reward, which turns out to be a Small Metal Boomerang of Slay Dragon (+3,+7). Enh, not bad. We proceed to:

Mkw 29

"You like the look of this place…" We come in at the southwest corner; Sense Monsters picks up a decent assortment of monsters nearby.

Not much to note for a while, beyond my first encounter with Nexus hounds up in the northern area of the level. I approach them carefully, or so I thought; one breath tosses me across the level to the southeast corner and reduces me to 147/213hp.

"Of course you realize, dude, this means war…" >:>

I think your Bugs Bunny impression needs a bit of work. :\ ;) Anyway, I return west for a while, and soon the Nexus hounds have found me again and are advancing. This time, though, I have the advantage: I position myself in a four-subroom pit, just below the northeast corner of the outer ring, and let them come to me one at a time. The first one around the corner takes me to clvl 30, and in a departure from prior procedure, I allocate skill points 1 to Bearform-combat, 1 to Temporal, and 3 to Spell-power.

"Hey, I thought you were pushing Conveyance, dude."

I changed my mind; Globe of Light is close to spell effect level 15, where it gains the light-ball attack, and I'm trying to push Spell-power high enough to get it there. I could've made it this level, except for the level+4 skill cap; I'll get it next level. Hmm, my unhasted speed in bear form is down to -11, which means my top speed is now down to +14, not counting Manwe prayer.

With all the nearby Nexus hounds taken care of, I finish up the subrooms in the pit. Ibun is in the southwest one, and drops a Hatchet (+5,+4) and a Long Sword (+5,+6). I also learn that I picked up Gauntlets of Free Action [+6] from some Elite uruks a bit further back. Would be really nice if I could wear these… :\

The rest of the Nexus hounds are back up north with some Vampiric mists; now that I have time to position myself properly, they don't last long. The rest of the level proceeds without incident; my pack is getting kinda full again, so I return to:

Lothlorien

Among the loot I'm hauling back is my first Scroll of Reset Recall and my first Sprig of Athelas, to start stockpiles thereof, a Ring of See Invisible in case I decide to swap out the Drum of Power, and a junkart:

Enh. Selling off the rest of the loot brings me up to 213955gp. The Black Market has a Potion of Augmentation, which I can almost but not quite afford, and a Potion of Charisma, which takes me from 14 CHR to 15. The alchemy shop only has one Scroll of Recharging, bringing Thrain's wand up to 66 charges; I may have to do a shopping tour for this eventually. A bit of restocking, and back to:

Part 4 of 4

Mkw 29, take 2

"What a boring place…" That's believable, considering the level is another 1x3 small level. I come in at the south end; there's a Wyvern nearby, and some Cave orcs in another one of those little vaultish rooms I can't get to. The level proceeds without incident, other than Ulwarth, who dies in three turns and drops a Large Leather Shield of Resist Acid [+8]. That taken care of, we proceed posthaste to:

Mkw 30: Princess quest for Lorgan, Chief of the Easterlings

"You have an excellent feeling…" No, I don't; Lorgan has 1800hp and +10 speed and does a lot of damage per turn, plus he can summon monsters. The level is a 3x3 small level; I come in on the north edge, and there's a gaggle of Gnome mages practically on top of me, who summon trolls and orcs and Cold hounds and generally cause all manner of annoyance before I finally get the last of them. At least they have the courtesy to drop a Tulwar of Westernesse (+11,+5) (+2) for my troubles… >:>

The quest room is close—only one screen over, in the northwest corner. And Lorgan has broken out and is headed down a straight-line east-west corridor right for me. Hmm, I'd rather not give him a chance to summon. Phase Door takes me to a room to the south, filled with Novice rogues. This room also connects to the quest room, as I soon learn, so I lure him in and wait. I cast Manwe's Blessing again, to make sure I can actually hit him. As he rounds the corner, I soften him up with a Manathrust—and it does zero stars of damage. Here goes nothing…

Four turns in, he's down four stars and I'm down to 134/226hp. Not good. Then it occurs to me: The room we're in is one of those rooms full of a grid of 1x1 pillars, and I'm slightly faster than Lorgan—I wonder if I could pillar dance him… >:>

"Uh, dude, I think this guy's hit you in the head once too often." *slash* "You can't, like, dance with a pillar." *whish* "Well, you sorta can, but you look really lame doing it."

No, no, it's an old trick from the Moria days. We're faster than him, so every so often we get a free move on him; the trick is to make him chase us around a pillar until we're about to get the free move, and then attack him on that turn when he can't hit back.

"Ah. ‘Kay." *dodge* "But how do we know when we're gonna, like, get a free turn?"

Trial and error for now. I take a step back and he follows me; I hit him again, and he takes me down to 94/226hp.

"That wasn't it, dude."

Yeah, I noticed. I step back again, around a pillar, and this is the turn he misses. :\

"Dude, are you sure you know how to do this?"

Just give me a second to work out the rhythm, okay? I quaff a !oCCW to get back up to 124/226hp. There's a Giant clear centipede in Lorgan's way, so he has to go the other way around the pillar, giving me a chance to toss back another !oCCW, bringing me up to 154/226hp. He's next to me now, but I think he misses this turn… nope, he hits again, taking me down to 141/226hp. Okay, he has to miss this turn… no, I've clearly got this timing wrong. I'm down to 128/226hp, but he's down to four stars.

"Seriously, dude, can we, like, try another strategy now?"

Just one more turn… yes! This turn he finally misses his move. I take him down to two stars unanswered, close enough that I risk another turn of attacks, taking him down to one star and me down to 101/226hp. I back up, intending to pillar dance for a chance to heal—and he runs! I quaff another !oCCW just to be safe, and he bleeds to death. *whew* Man, I love Bearform combat… >:> The reward choices are a Beaked Axe, a Short Sword, and a Broad Axe. Not much to differentiate them; I go with the sword, which turns out to be The Short Sword 'Menon' (+10,+15) (+1). /!\ Lorgan's drop, by contrast, was a Light War Axe (+6,+2), a Rapier of *Slay Dragon* (+3,+10) (+1), and a Small Metal Boomerang (+2,+3).

To the north of the quest room is a pit full of Half-ogres, with an Algroth garnish on one corner. ;) I power through them, taking me up to 7807 piety; among their drops is a Flail of Aman (+12,+10) [+3] (+3).

A quick sweep of the rest of the level (normally I wouldn't, but it's small) nets a Potion of Charisma from a Quasit, taking me from 5 CHR to 6 (bear in mind I'm in bear form, with the attendant -10 CHR penalty). We proceed, then, to:

Mkw 31

"You feel strangely lucky…" And justifiably so; after a bit of uneventful exploring, I find my first Potion of Dexterity just lying on the floor. :D It takes me from 12 DEX to 14.

"So now are we, like, at the bottom of Mirkwood?"

Close enough for them to start showing up, apparently.

"Excellent!"

A bit further in, Khim shows up; he falls in five turns (would've been four, except I missed six out of eight attack on one of those turns) and drops a Lance (+4,+5). The rest of the level proceeds without incident, and we continue to:

Mkw 32: Princess quest for 5 Half-trolls

"You have a good feeling…" I enter on the northern edge; Sense Monsters detects little of interest.

The quest room takes a lot of searching to find. About midway through the level is another of those vaultish rooms (the octagon type with the mini-room in the middle); a Dark elven lord therein drops a Potion of Wisdom, taking me from 18/30 WIS to 18/50. :D

After searching most of the level, I finally find the quest room, near the southwest corner.

"Brave warrior! Have you come to rescue me again? Indeed, I am fortunate."

"Yeah, I– wait, did you say again? (Dude, I think we busted her!)"

"Do you not remember me, brave warrior? I am Princess Zoot of Castle Augh. You rescued me from imprisonment in the Barrow Downs."

"Oh, right, the wimpy ghost things. (Dang, I thought we had her.) So, like, you got captured again, then?"

"Yes, I was foolish and slipped away from my father's guards to be alone, and was recaptured. But I have also spoken to many other princesses that you have rescued. It seems you are truly a great hero."

"Oh… um…." :o

Awwww… ;) The Half-trolls fall gratifyingly quickly, netting me a choice of a Device Trap Set, :\ an Executioner's Sword, and a Silver Rod of Nothing. :\ The sword is pretty much the no-brainer choice; it turns out to be an Executioner's Sword of Slay Dragon (+6,+8). My pack's getting a bit crowded, but there is only one level left, so we push on to:

Mkw 33

"You have an excellent feeling…" And no reason I shouldn't; not far in, a Ninja drops 17 Iron Shots of Frost (+10,+3), and a Spectre drops a Potion of Intelligence, which takes me from 18/126 INT to 18/151. :D My minimum spell fail rate is down to 1%. In the same room, I find an Everburning Torch of Brightness; hmm, it might have a larger light radius than my Feanorian Lamp, so I take it.

Lots of nice juicy monsters on the level, including Lokkak, who turns out to be just as bad as Lorgan. With a bit of experimentation, I finally work out the right rhythm for pillar-dancing (or in this case, good old-fashioned hack-n-back): for +15 speed versus +10 speed, you get one free turn every five. Lokkak's drop was Bar Chain Mail [+3], 16 Bolts (+4,+4), and a Spectral Halberd of *Slay Animal* (+6,+6) (+1). Not bad, but my pack's really getting crowded now…

A bit further in, I find another Angel asleep in the corner of a room.

"Dude, don't kill him, he's a–"

A good monster, yes, I remember, Bjorn, I'm supposed to charm it. Nine unsuccessful Charm spells later, it occurs to me that Angels just might be immune to charming. [checks notes] Indeed, confusion resistance confers resistance to charming, and Angels resist confusion.

"Aw, man, now what do we do?"

Now we take the piety hit and consider it a lesson learned… :\ This minor setback is amply made up for, though, by a Mage further in who drops a Fireproof Scroll of Acquirement. /!\ :D Or at least it would have made up for it, except the benighted thing generates the Phial of Undeath. X-( |)

"Whoa! This thing feels majorly heinous!"

Yes, whatever you do, don't wield it. In fact, here, let me inscribe it with "!w!w!w!w!w!w" just to be safe. That finishes up the level—argh, and I'm only 2155xp away from the next level. I know, I'll go back up to:

Mkw 32, take 2

"You like the look of this place…"

"Uh…"

We're just going to kill a few monsters to get me to the next level, and then we'll head back.

(shrug) "‘Kay."

It doesn't take long; a pack of Werewolves pushes me over the top to clvl 31, with skill points going 1 to Bearform-combat, 1 to Spell-power, and 3 to Conveyance. I now have nine attacks in bear form, and Globe of Light is up to spell effect level 15, gaining the light-ball effect—which I put to good use on the Jackals and White wolves that were hanging out with the Werewolves. A bit of cleanup of the immediate area, and we return to:

Lothlorien

First, I head to Galadriel to *ID* some of my loot:

The Everburning Torch of Brightness only has radius-3 light, so it goes. After selling off all my loot, I'm up to 361756gp; I was loath to sell off the randart Short Sword, but I'm pretty sure the Mathom-house has limited space in this version, so I need to save it for the important stuff—like this accursed Phial… X-( A quick sweep around the rest of the stores, including 5 Scrolls of Recharging for Thrain's wand, and I'm off to:

Bree

to stuff the blasted thing in the Mathom-house. Nothing of interest in any of the stores; as long as I'm in the neighborhood, I slip over to:

Gondolin

where the Black Market has a randart shovel with +3 WIS, CON, CHA, tunnelling, speed and attacks. X-( [sound F/X: forehead repeatedly striking desk] Someone somewhere up in RNG Land is laughing very heartily at my expense right now, I think… On the way back to:

Lothlorien

I pick up a fate to find an Iron Spike on level 1. :\ Which would presumably be the punch line. Another 5 Scrolls of Recharging and Thrain's wand is up to 74 charges.

"So, where to now, dude?"

Normally we'd do Moria next, but we've also got that relic quest; I'll have to decide whether we're tough enough to try it…

INTERMISSION: Only You Can Prevent... Oh, Never Mind...

A comment about the Old Forest earlier in the thread reminded me that I haven't yet seen any dungeon towns, and that it would be really nice to have a Tome or two to consolidate some of these books. On a lark, I decide to sweep the Old Forest looking for dungeon towns. I make a brief detour to:

Bree

to pick off that silly Iron Spike fate and check the stores, and then onward to:

OFr 13

"This level can't be all bad…" Since this is a rapid-descent sweep, I'll skip levels where nothing interesting happens; I would've skipped this one, but I needed it for the intro… ;) From here we fast-forward to:

OFr 14

"This level can't be all bad…" Okay, I think this qualifies as interesting: in the room right next to the down stairs I'm about to take, I find Dal-i-thalion. /!\

"Whoa. You don't s'pose they have that in, like, bear size, do you?"

Don't I wish… <:( Anyway, let's move on:

OFr 22

"This level can't be all bad…" Orfax is right near my entry point; he falls to one turn of hits and a Manathrust when he tries to teleport away. His drop is an Iron Helm [+2]. Enh.

OFr 25

"You like the look of this place…" I don't like the look of this piety wrecking trap I just stepped on, though… X-( I'm down to 5937 piety; at least I still get the speed boost.

I find Old Man Willow about halfway into the level; he falls in three turns and drops Chain Mail [+6] and The Ring 'Ecthon' (+3). Here's hoping for something useful out of that, or else this entire trip has been a total waste.

Hmm, maybe not a total waste; it looks like there's a vault north of here. It turns out to be a lesser vault (yin-yang) and to have nothing of interest in it. I'm gonna have to revise that back down to 'total waste', then. X-( After a cursory pass over the rest of the level on the outside chance that there's anything else of use in it (ha!), I recall back out to:

Wilderness

and head over to:

Gondolin

to sell off some ego weapons I picked up in the sweep and *ID* the artifacts:

Yep, that clinches it: total waste. |) Back home, then, to:

Lothlorien

where, just to mock me, the Black Market has a Tome of Magical Energy, which is useless to me beyond the Manathrust spell that's already in my Cantrips book. As something of a consolation prize, though, they do have a Potion of Experience, /!\ which takes me to clvl 32; I allocate the resulting skill points 1 to Bearform-combat, 1 to Temporal, and 3 to Conveyance. Essence of Speed is up to spell effect level 36, which pushes my top speed back up to +15 sans Manwe prayer. And the book store finally has a Fireproof Book of Beginner Cantrips in stock.

"See, dude? It wasn't a total waste. You have to, like, look for the positive."

Yeah, whatever. I stow the artifacts; I forgot to Mathom them on the way back, and I'm not interested in going back to Bree just for that. Four more Scrolls of Recharging brings Thrain's wand up to 81 charges.

"So, decided where we're going next, dude?"

Not yet, but with this extra clvl, I'm leaning more toward the relic quest…

CHAPTER 5: Indiana Bjorn and the Temple of Dude

With some trepidation, I've decided to take a stab at the second relic quest.

"I dunno what you're so worried about, dude; that last Manwe god dude quest was way easy."

This one will be worse, trust me. I make one last restocking pass, picking up a Mouse Fur of Electricity [+13] from the Black Market just for giggles, then head back down to the temple entrance I found in the previous chapter and enter:

LTm -18

"This level can't be all bad…" The level proceeds uneventfully for a while.

"Dude, I must be losing my touch with this Manathrust spell. It oughta be taking out these slimer ghost things with one shot, right?"

A normal Green glutton ghost, yes; one leveled to level 36, no.

"Leveled? What does that—whoa, wait a minute, dude, I know those See-through hounds aren't supposed to be moving as fast as me."

Those are level-36 Clear hounds, Bjorn. By my calculations, on average they've got +15 speed, twice their normal armor class, twice their normal damage per attack and more than six times their normal hit points.

"No way, dude!"

Yes way, Bjorn. Wait till we run into some orcs in here, then we'll be in serious trouble.

"Uh, orcs aren't invisible, dude."

Invisible monsters aren't the only kind that can appear in a Manwe temple; they're just the only kind we've seen so far. Okay, after the third paranoid map sweep, I'm fairly certain we've covered the level, so we proceed to:

LTm -19

"What a boring place…" Well, it is for a while, until:

The Imp gestures at your feet. You sink through the floor.

@#$%!!!

"Dude, what?"

If the relic was on that level, we just failed the quest.

"What?! Can't we just, like, go back and look for it again?"

No, the relic is only generated once, and if you leave the level with the relic on it before you find it, it's gone permanently.

"Whoa, totally heinous! So, like, how do we know if we blew it?"

We just have to keep searching the rest of the temple and hope we find the relic. Starting with the level we just got dumped onto:

LTm -20

"You like the look of this place…" Not in my current mood, I don't… X-( And my mood is not improved when, further in, a Q summons a Paladin and I panic and kill him before I remember to try to charm him, thereby wrecking all the piety gains I've made since the Old Forest. X-( X-( Oddly, the level still seems to be populated entirely with invisible monsters. I'm almost certain I've had at least one earlier character killed by Mughash's or Vort's entourage in a Manwe temple… :\ At any rate, this level's done (one more paranoid sweep to be sure), so we continue doggedly to:

LTm -21

"What a boring place…" No, I wouldn't say boring, not considering that there's a pack of level-42 Clear hounds in the room with me. Fortunately, there's a void gate a few steps away to get me out. Not that that's the end of my troubles, of course…

"Uh, dude, I'm gettin' my butt kicked by mushrooms here. This is embarrassing."

Yes, taking on an infestation of level-42 Clear mushrom patches mano a sporo, so to speak, was in retrospect a bad idea, especially when Murphy's Law kicks in and Essence of Speed kicks out. They drive me down to 64/224hp by the time I manage to Phase Door out and Manathrust the blighters to oblivion.

And just to drive the point home, some of those Clear hounds find me again, and when Essence of speed runs out, Phase Door takes me… right into the middle of the rest of the Clear hounds. X-( It takes three more Phase Doors to finally get me to relative safety, by which time I'm down to 51/224hp. Fortunately, I have a Potion of Healing that I found lying around nearby, and I ended up far enough away from the pack that I can pick most of them off with Manathrust before they get to me. While resting, I discover that the Scimitar I picked up on the previous level is in fact Haradekket. Not that it does me any good, but still…

"Dude, it just took me, like, three turns to kill one of those wimpy little see-through centipede things! What is with this place?"

Monster leveling again. I told you this was going to be worse than the last relic quest.

"I believe you now, dude."

And the worst part is, thanks to that accursed Imp, we might have done it all in vain. On a minor uptick, another Imp drops a Potion of Intelligence, which takes me from 18/151 INT to 18/160.

Not much happens for a while, until:

It magically summons help!

Oh, joy, a level-42 Mature gold dragon; I can barely hit the thing, and he has me down to 142/224hp in two turns. I Phase Door out to rest up, then take the gate back in to try again, this time with Manwe's Blessing up. This time he falls fairly quickly, allowing me to go in and exact extremely violent and painful revenge on the @#$%ing Q that summoned it.

One final pass and the level is done; onward, then, to:

LTm -22

Okay, this is it, Bjorn; if the relic isn't on this level, we've failed.

"Right. Heeeere, relic, relic… dude, there it is!"

*whew* Indeed, only a few rooms in, I find the relic in a corridor. The quest reward brings my Prayer skill up to 5, which should be enough to cast Noxious Cloud. We recall posthaste with much alacrity (and some redundancy ;) ) to:

Wilderness

and head to:

Bree

to pick up the Spellbook of Noxious Cloud I left there.

"Dude, how many more of these Manwe god dude quests are we gonna have to do?"

Well, we don't have to do any more of them, now that we've got Prayer up high enough to cast Noxious Cloud. And given that last one, I'm not really inclined to press my luck any further anyway.

"*whew* Good call, dude."

As long as I'm here, I stow Haradekket in my Bree house. Hmm, the Black Market has a Tome of the Blowing Wind… no, according to my notes, without doing another relic quest, I can't get Prayer high enough to cast anything